Doctors diagnose cause of Danny Meyer’s hearing loss as Goldmanitis

This post has been read 1550 times!

Danny Meyer with GoldmanitisJune 24, 2014- By Steven E. Greer, MD

BatteryPark.TV previously reported on the hearing loss that restaurateur Danny Meyer was suffering, causing him to be tone-deaf on politically correct issues. For example, his decision to expand Shake Shack into Moscow, right as Vladimir Putin was spewing pre-Olympic homophobic comments, was textbook tone-deafness. Then, Mr. Meyer proceeded to open a crass tasteless cafe with booze in the middle of a cemetery called the 9/11 Museum, which drew the ire of national media columnists.

Otolaryngologists at the Mayo Clinic have now diagnosed the cause of Mr. Meyer’s hearing loss. It is a rare from of Goldmanitis. In 2012, when Mr. Meyer sold 39.5% of his Union Square Hospitality Group to Goldman Sachs, the bankers began making the decisions, doctors believe. They think that the decisions to expand into the 9/11 Memorial and Moscow were caused by the Goldmanitis.

Goldmanitis is a rare central nervous system disease that impairs the frontal lobe. Like tinnitus, which is a constant sensation of ringing in the ears, Goldmanitis causes the patient to have a constant sensation of the need to expand. It affects only 1% of the population and has many manifestations, with tone-deafness to the inappropriateness of expansion being one symptom. The disease is incurable and metastasizes rapidly.

In the case of Mr. Meyer, the prognosis is not good. He has a 95% chance within 5-years of losing his entire fine-dining empire. The Goldmanitis will allow the more lucrative Shake Shack potential to take over his left frontal lobe.

Insiders tell BP.TV that senior staff and chefs who work for Mr. Meyer have seen a major difference in the company already. Many have quit over the last 12-months.

Within two years, doctors say that one can expect to see the Blue Smoke chain converted into a more scalable company with wider appeal to people at JFK airport and failing baseball stadiums. Blue Smoke will also be branching out into the large beer garden model. The fine dining restaurants will now be mostly museum accessories, like the Modern at MoMA and Untitled in the Whitney. Lastly, Shake Shack will now become the Crown Jewel of USHG.

(There is no such thing as Goldmanitis. This is a parody)

This entry was posted in Humor and pranks, Restaurants, Reviews, Wall Street. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *